Transsexual Ninjas From Beyond Time (1985)

At the height of the Ninja movie boom noted Z-grade shlock jock Harvey ‘Puck’ Monkton (Do You Have Tickets To The Orgy? / Lucky Boy Douglas - Clown Squad / The Vice Girls Of Madison County) unleashed a film that even the most tolerant reviewers could barely stand. This zero-budget special effects and white-boy martial arts travesty mixed transgender politics, softcore she-male sex and poorly executed Ninja dust-offs into a dizzying blend of censor baiting offence, torn tights groping and bulging pantie heroics, the like of which had been not seen Ted Micheal-Michealson (Break For Lust / Thumbin’ A Ride / Team Bad Girl: Sexline) vomited 1976’s Kung Fu cash-in The Shaolin Whores Of Red Light City onto the sleazy Grindhouse circuit in a double bill with Brucilla Lee: Lady Big Boss.

On the distant planet of Erotica-7, an ancient race of third-sex warriors are trained from birth in the ancient arts of Ninja stealth, silent assassination and passing for a lady in a seedy downtown bar. But when news reaches the elders that a deadly Martian race of omni-beings plans to fire a deadly sex ray at planet Earth, they dispatch five mystic T-girl Ninjas across time and space to save us from descending into a quivering mess of flailing limbs and mass bukkake genocide. Can the team of Amazonian Boy-Girls defeat the menace from the red planet before we screw ourselves into oblivion and they use the carbon in our bodies to power their galactic rocketships?

Starring Helena Flavoursome (The Rigid and The Ruthless / Randy Hernia - Trouble In Honolulu / The Titans Of Tijuana) and Ridge Fairplay (The Roach Motel Pick Up / Orgasms At Ten Paces / Keep It In Your Pants 2: Party Infections)

Micheal Bay’s Explosions, Tits and Motorbikes (2012)

In the first truly honest, heart-felt and personal project of his career, Bay dispenses completely with plot and character to create an avant-garde, high speed two and a half hour montage of silicone, napalm and high fives.

Hot Sauce Penitentiary (1978)

The ladies of Buxom County Jail are wild. Wild for moonshine, wild for men and wild for each other in this gonzo 70s Women-in-Prison meets screwball comedy misfire from director Lunt Flaxenberg (The Diamond Mines of Monte Carlo/ Twelve Guns In A Sex Nunnery/ Beast Force X: The Plague Of Jupiter). Sex is on the menu as the girls limber up for the annual inter-jail Chilli Cook Off… But can they pull off a daring escape before the twisted butch Lesbian head screw Miss Diane holds one of her infamous hose down parties again? Music by Hans Fuego & His Brighter Tomorrow.

Silverama Productions Vault Uncovered In Mexico

For years, cult movie buffs have spoken in hushed whispers about a film production unit so loathsome and low rent that even the sleaziest grindhouses of 42nd Street felt uncomfortable screening their movies.

Founded by two Hungarian immigrants - The Kochank Brothers - in 1967, just as the sexual and social revolutions of the decade were about to breakthrough into the mainstream, the films produced by Silverama Productions never let a taboo get in the way of cold hard cash. Sharp practice, dodgy deals and lightening fast shooting schedules were the order of the day as they ruthlessly exploited their crews, cast and audience in an incredible run of X-rated lost trash classics that should have taken their place in the irony drenched collections of B-cinema collectors everywhere.

Unfortunately for Z-grade celluloid lovers, moral campaigners waged a war on the company from 1971 onwards, a protest that reached it’s shoddy climax in 1978 with the impounding and eventual destruction of all existing prints and negatives. Sometimes, marketing a movie called ‘Agent Dyke: Armed & Pregnant’ in Arkansas is a recipe for trouble…

All hope seemed lost and Silverama might have slipped into obscurity had it not been for a remarkable find in a back alley Tijuana cinema. In a dank cellar film historian Crane Honeymonk uncovered a trove of twenty five classics, spanning the years 1970-1975 - the company’s peak years of production - when the brothers were cranking out two movies a month.

We haven’t had any news about restoration, let alone any future releases, but cult geeks and smut hounds the world over should start chomping at the bit now, as titles deemed forever lost rear their ugly, disease ridden heads once more to corrupt a new generation of socially awkward film obsessives…

1970 Gutter Love 2: Skid Row Steam

1970 My Desire Is A Cloaked Knife

1970 Dracula’s Naked Castle Of Lust

1970 Hard Times On Fire Island

1970 True Confessions From A Hot Prison

1971 Brandon Mansize: Stunt Cock

1971 Psychedelic Lust Gulag

1971 Manson Girl’s Psychic Love-in

1972 Matthew, Mark, Luke and Chico

1972 The Terrifying Night Of The Vultures

1972 The Sewer Slaves of Avenue A

1972 Wayward Vixens In Shanty Town

1972 Wayward Vixens: Hard Labour

1973 Hermaphrodites In Cages

1973 Undercover Groupie

1973 Undercover Groupie 2: Bust out At The Hyatt House

1973 The Sexual Adventures of Sigmund Freud or Take Off Your Clothes And Tell Me About Your Mother

1974 The Love Bolt From Mars

1974 It’s Legal In Peru

1974 The White Noise Killers

1974 The Gospel According To Linda Lovelace*

1975 Broken Girls: Six Tales Of Regret

1975 Rapid and Rabid

1975 Undercover Schoolgirl: Pink Report 12

1975 Vultures 2: My Eyes! My Eyes!

* Linda Lovelace does not appear in this movie. 

Up! Down! In! Out! (1967)


Year: 1967

AKA Hip! / Groovy Times at Far-Out High

Tagline: “Think your Hip?”

Hal Manciano had little time for the Counterculture, seeing the rebellious kids holding peace placards as traitors to the good old Red, White and Blue. That didn’t stop him from becoming one of the leading producers of Hippie Quickies. Those trippy low budget efforts helped with the down payment on Hal’s fallout shelter, in which he stored his impressive collection of CIA issue counter-intellegence equipment, Russian made ordinance and enough tinned food to feed an army in perpertuity.

Luckily for film buffs everywhere, Hal didn’t let his personal politics interfere with a tidy profit and this startling disconnect between his output and his personal feelings has blessed the world with Up! Down! In! Out!, the “World’s first far-out Flower Power Experimental Nude Review, Acid Happening and Rock Opera”. (note: In the less censorious 1970s, Hal would revisit the musical format for the XXX porno-musical FUCK! reviewed below)

As the Paris streets exploded with student rebellion and the anger at America’s continued involvement in Vietnam reached a fever pitch, the changes in the air were palpable, as kids took up the cause of peace, love and revolt. 

Meanwhile, Hal Manciano was recovering in the Ceder Sinai Hospital after taking a fierce beating from his bookie Grip Daniels (Grip has a few acting credits of his own including a cameo as a Camel Trader in Burt Cleppa’s Desert Train to Nowheresville). Never one to rest on his laurels, Hal was holding meetings from his sick bed when a young hack supplied him with the script and song book for off-off-off-off-Broadway show  -‘Up! Down! In! Out!’ - a semi-nude musical orgy that sang the praises of good dope and free love.

Hal saw Dollar signs and quickly took the project on. Directing the entire film from his bed where he was attended to by his stern German nurse Florinda Grench (They later briefly married), the whole shoot wrapped in eight weeks and featured a raft of upcoming young talent from the emerging alternative underground, including the twice convicted Cragg Duston (I’ll Take That Bet! / Forge of Satan / Rise of the Bison), Florida beauty queen/peace agitator Moon Gala (The Peace Killers / Dog Face & Billy Boy / Glint of the Lust Blade) and Rod Sternly (True Tales of the Sin Cartels / Mr. Hot Nights / Mr. Hot Nights Vs the Acid Eaters), who went on to write the classic late 60s LSD novel, ‘Melt’.


Cragg Duston in character as Tugg Gecko in Brad Fulsome’s Rise of the Bison


A general hodge-podge of Hippy cliches and pot happy ramblings, Up! Down! In! Out! managed to cause controversy with long shots of mass nudity, including one memorable scene in which a horde of two hundred naked extras march through Central Park, NY singing “Ain’t Gonna Hitch a Ride to Vietnam”. The strong pro-drugs, anti-war stance of the musical saw the filmed banned outright in most states outside of the coasts and the Republican baiting rhetoric of No.14 Billboard hit ‘Don’t Upset My Bag’ didn’t buy the right wing director any new friends either.

Ultimately, the film is an entertaining failure with some loathsome acting, a script weighed down in cliches and too many flabby bodies on display, due to Hal rounding up anyone he could find to drop their clothes and don a long hair wig.



Moon Gala photographed on the set of 1972
Backwoods Sex Comedy ”Milk Maids Make Do”


Interviewed shortly before his death in 1998 - he was killed when ‘blue ice’ from a passing passenger aircraft crashed through his roof - Cragg Duston said of the production: “The director created an atmosphere of sheer dread and fear on set, using KGB approved mind control techniques, sleep depravation and Chinese water torture to keep the cast in a constant state of flux. Add to that the massive amount of LSD and Peyote everyone but Hal was on that year and it’s no surprise that five people* died during the shoot. I’m amazed that so many of us survived”

Hal himself had few pleasant memories of the movie, describing the people of New York where most of the shooting took place as “A bunch of Commie Faggots!”


Cragg Duston - Selected Filmography

1967 I’ll Take That Bet! 
1968 Up! Down! In! Out!
1968 The Secrets of Greek Love
1968 Cleopatra: Time Queen of Egypt
1969 Last of the Electric Cowboys
1969 Deeper Secrets of Greek Love
1969 Dress me in Denim
1970 Trepanning For Kicks
1970 Forge of Satan
1971 Needle Park Christmas
1971 Rise of the Bison
1971 Uncomfortable Secrets of Greek Love
1972 What’s Up With That?
1972 Rock n Roll Hot Pants In Trouble
1973 The Suede Connection
1974 Take This Plane to Cuba
1975 Love Gladiators From Dimension Sex
1976 Haile Selassie Meets the Wolfman
1977 Dracula’s Halloween Laugh-in
1978 Girl Blades on Fire
1979 Disco Nights, Martian Days
1980 Who Shot Mickey Mouse?
1981 My Dad is a Robot
1981 Slave Maidens of the Third Reich
1981 Slave Maidens of the Desert Prince
1982 Slave Maidens at the Centre of the Earth
1983 Glow of the Multi-Worm
1984 Greed Town
1984 Big City Bang Out
1985 Chuck Steelcord: Justice Patrol
1985 Steelcord 2: The Christ Magnet
1986 Pork Academy
1986 Pork Academy 2: Making Bacon
1987 Pork Academy 3: Citizen Pork
1987 Leper Kid and Plague Boy
1988 Do You Need Some Cream For That?


Cragg quit movie acting after the career low of ‘Do You Need Some Cream For That?’ and played out the rest of his career with recurring roles as Sgt. Anders McMandleson in 90s cop show Homicide Dept Zero: Alaska and as Dr. Tony Fatone in the peak time Sitcom “Burn Unit”


Song Book

1) Overture 

2) Up! Down! In! Out!

3) I Got Lice

4) Aquarian Astral Dream Lamp

5) Hip Spades Get Loose

6) I Got Lice (Reprise)

7) Don’t Upset My Bag

8) Let’s Love on Down to the Love-in 

9) In! Up! Down! Out!

10) Mr. Reefer

11) Down! In! Up! Out!

12) Hare Kirishna Blow Out

13) Ain’t Gonna Hitch a ride to Vietnam

14) Love Gravy

15) Up! Down! In! Out! (Reprise)



* In Memorium

Ted Flank - Key Grip (Peyote Induced Suicide)

Trina Mae Fleece - Continuity (Gun Shot to Abdomen)

'Freak Flag' Collins - Extra (Drowned in Creek.. Suspicious Circumstances?)

Queenie Jackpot - Supporting Actress (Bottled to Death at After-Party)

Lottie Drew - Extra (Trampled by Acid Spiked Cattle)

Fake Rock: The Fraudulent Increments





Back row from left:

  • Dobie Grid (Percussion)
  • Randy Trumb (The Stones of Ambiguity)
  • Thomas Puffin (Rhodes Piano)
  • Peter Repeater (Alto Sax)
  • Ricky ‘Thump’ Hives (Drums)


Front Row from Left

  • Godfrey Wemble (Guitar)
  • Cretin Dan (Electo-Washboard)
  • Danson Dogrell (French Horn)
  • Ernest Platitude (Ooze Pipe)
  • The Delusion (Vibes)


Relaxed:

  • Trent Bensone (Bass & Vocals)



Furious scene leaders of the confrontation Shetland Island Jazz Funk scene, their unique “nail-down-a-blackboard” sound and fierce, politically incorrect stance brought them plaudits from both the rock press (“Damaging” - The Fuck You Reader) and the high brow jazz set (“That’s hep!” - The Chin Magazine). Formed around a nucleus of Trent Bensone (Bass & Vocals), Godfrey Wemble (Guitar) and Ernest Platitude (Ooze Pipe), the free floating line up stormed the top ten in 1978 with their 24 minute single - “Agriculture!”.

The band Hailed from the South Island, where the music scene’s dedication to overblown experimentalism and routine animal cruelty put them at odds with the North Islands more pastoral and easy going bands, typified by the softly spoken fusions of “Winsome Pond” and the floral drones and traditional farming methods of “The Cobblestones”

Things came to a head in 1981, when, enraged by the mainstream success and apparent sell out of the North Island’s press darlings, “Scrivener’s Hat” and the chart busting, Grimmy award winning, conceptually high brow Folk-Disco duo, Petre & Horsesmith, The Fraudulent Increments led a coalition of the willing across the dangerously unpredictable Octopus Sea to visit anarchy on their musical neighbours.

Braving the churning waters in traditionally made Coracles (small handmade boats fitted with traditional PA equipment), they made landfall then set about torching the North’s ancient wooden recording studios, one of which was responsible for Britain’s first number one single*. 

This single act of groovy vandalism cemented their place among critics everywhere. Such praise, combined with mainstream success in recent years, sees the band setting fire to far more salubrious venues these days. The bands success culminated in the release this year of “Red Hot Barbican”, a triple CD concert recording which includes the fear stricken wails of fans that were still struggling to escape from the historic centre for the arts when the roof finally gave way…

Discography

1978 Think like a Mountain
1978 Rampant Excursions (Split LP with The Really Wild Girls)
1980 Elk! Elk! Elk!
1981 Crumpled Husk
1984 Brown Sounds
1987 Pretty Pretty Asthma
1990 Gay Compass
1994 Plexi-Funk
1998 Wild Candy
2003 Placidly Beige
2006 Party Time Hot Steam
2009 Red Hot Barbican




* Released in all the then contemporary formats, including Carved Box, Merlin’s Scroll and Ye Willow Switch, the uptempo reading of Henry VIII’s monster smash “Greensleeves”, arranged in the then cutting edge Madrigal-Bop style, rocked the hit parade in Feb 1532.

Don’t Make Me Lie (1981)

A dark and sleazy retelling of the Pinocchio story. Gepetto uses Wormword to make a boy puppet, but when the lifeless doll is given life by a misguided fairy, the wooden child becomes a deadly handful…

The Dracula Virus (2001)

Remember in the late 90s, early 00s when horror films went all internets and everyone was digitizing evil, cyberstalking vulnerable college age Goth girls or pretending real life murders were reality web-TV?

Welcome to the very worst example.

Foolhardy tech nerds with long leather coats, sallow pallors and a endless stream of crunchy quiet-loud tidy your bedroom Nu-Metal on their hard drives, buy a vial of Dracula’s blood on eBay from a mysterious seller whose account vanishes the next day.

In a ritual not a million miles away from Weird Science, they create a Plasma chip which can upload the spirit of the arch lord of Vampires onto the World Wide Web. The evil count can now manifest himself wherever there’s a connected device and he starts to take over the computers of innocent virgins, who get drawn into his web of blood and sin via a hypnotic pop-up.

With a frankly pathetic lead performance by Stieg Olafssonson (Creed of the Nightstick / The Libido Engine / Harsh Cop 7: Coke Beard) as the virtual Count and the production values of 80s fast food training video, this pointless and unwatchable mess is the kind of film that makes you reappraise your life style and finally open the curtains.

She Floats! (1974)

Seventies rock opera Horror with music by noted Italian experimentalist heroes Weevil.

Starring former West End starlet turned underground psychedelic sex icon Grace Halfmoon (Kneel For Enlightenment / Princess Silverlove Vs The Third Sex / Naked Under Cheesecloth) and Avalon Ford, previously lead singer of non-more-prog cosmic explorers Space Rocket Mordor, She Floats! is an often exhilarating, frequently bewildering and occasionally obscene amalgam of concept album bombast, Hammer camp and sickening torture scenes (particularly if you pick up a German or Japanese print).

Hipster drug slang, counter-cultural noodlings and censor baiting nudity combines with state of the art moog soundscapes and ear damaging experimental rock music in this headache inducing tits and blood musical about a 16th century witch who survives the ducking stool to become the Queen of Great Britain.

Margin For Terror (1984)

Fear stalks the corridors of the Roberto & Sons Accountancy in this late entry in the Italian Giallo genre (original title Five Blood Stained Documents AKA Murder In Triplicate).

A tax evasion scam leads to black gloved murder as junior accountants are found face down in photocopiers, next to reams of paper printed with their death masks.

Receptionists are poisoned with liquid paper and the Vice-President paints the pavement beneath his thirteenth floor office with his insides after a fatal stumble into oblivion.

Who is behind these foul deeds?

The Viscount’s beautiful but icy daughter?

The facially disfigured, turtleneck jumper clad payroll assistant?

Or was it one of the stunningly beautiful ballerinas from the dance academy across the street?